Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
red - i love you.
pink - i could stay on your blog for hours.
yellow - you’re amazing.
peach - i miss you.
blue - i want to get to know you.
purple - you’re hot.
brown - i would fuck you.
green - i would date you.
black - i hate you.
white - delete your blog.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I can't wait for December to finish and I'll be welcoming 2011 with open arms. Gonna bid adieu to 2010 for being such a pain to everyone's hearts. Of course it's taught me to be strong but the immensity of pain that I had to go through to actually smile now made not giving a fuck attitude almost like a reflex to everything.
If I hadn't deleted my blog, you could see how many emo posts I've been writing this year but thank god it's all down the drain now. (okay, not really. i just set it on private and one of it was hacked)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
One thing I've learnt about life this year, happiness and sadness run parallel to each other, when one takes rest, the other tends to get stronger.
And you might be surprised when somewhere along the way, you might get close to the person you never thought you would. Never judge anyone without knowing them first because he/she might be the one you'd turn to when everything else fails. To get upset over petty things when I have an awesome backbone system is just such a waste of time. I shall not waste any precious moments anymore because December is all about waking up and get that taste of happiness that I've been longing for so long.
Gonna sleep now. I had a long day with the girls and mother. :)
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Nasha: Kak La, are you still with the guy that lives in Penang?
Me: Oh, he just studied there and no, Nasha.
Me: I guess when people grow up.. They grow apart too?
Nasha: That's sad.. I like seeing you with him. Saw the picture last year at your phone.
Me: Me too, sayang. Me too.
Nasha: Why don't you visit him the next time you come back to Kedah?
Me: It's complicated, Nasha.
And she's 10.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
You told me that you still love me this August but then I found you started liking her during June/July. So, are you really that screwed up? At least when I told you that I still love you, I wasn't confused with my feelings but I guess you will always be the guy who loves to give mixed signals, makes me confuse as hell and just tell me after that that you've already moved on with someone else. So, thank you babyboy.
For as long as I can remember, I went against my fate. I made myself believe that we were meant for each other, I made myself believe that we'd walk down the aisle together. It's sad to see the person who I used to make my future plans with become my past. Baby, you meant the world to me and probably will always be.
This will be the last time I'm gonna write about you because writing about you makes me think about you so much more and I don't want to have you in my system anymore. You're just a part of my past that I just wanna let go right now. Right now, I'm gonna rejuvenate from all the shit that we put ourselves into because we.. no, I thought I had it all. I love you with every ounce of me but it's gonna be alright. Those feelings will be gone, just like the old you.
You will always be in my prayers and you will always be missed.
One more thing, if we ever meet again.. Don't you dare ask me if I've been missing you or not because you know I always do but I guess you ask everyone that. :)
your always and forever.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Monday, December 06, 2010
Just write it in any posts that you want, I'll post it up. You can do it anonymously, if you want.
For the first few posts by my friends, thank you so very much. ♥
Sunday, December 05, 2010
This would be the last time I write anything about you, here.
Yesterday, I went to all the places that we went when we were together.. Each and every places, I spent half an hour on each places. The memories just seeped in to me and my breathing started being heavy. I could feel the tears welling up..
I went to the tuition center first.. The place where I saw you with your cream shorts and light yellow t-shirt that I've always loved. I remember from a distance, I told my friend how hot you were, and since then, you never left my mind. I also remember I was being cocky by telling my friends that one day, you'll be mine. It was the place I used my stupid tricks to talk to you by exchanging The Simpsons DVD because I told you I've never watched it when I actually had the scripts memorized for watching it too many times.
I went to Craven after that.. the place where my friends and I would go when we skip tuition. I'd just randomly call you and ask you to join me and the first time you came.. You wore this green t-shirt that you gave me with your skinny blue jeans. You came with your friend, Aidid and then you sent me back. It was pretty much my Friday routine before we got together, to call you every Friday evening and ask to hang out.
KDE was my next stop... The place where you told me that you got your acceptance letter from a Uni in Penang. I wasn't happy even though you weren't mine at that time because you'd be far away from me. After I found out about that, I told Zaahira that I'm gonna give you my guitar pick necklace, so that you'd still remember me if things change. We would go there every Friday evening, and I remember this one video I recorded after throwing you shoes at the playground and I forced you to say that I'm cute. You wore your gray t-shirt.
Then, I went to Coffee Bean.. The place where you asked me to be yours and confessed your love for me. It was after my IU Day that I forced you to come.. I remember the day perfectly. We were sitting at this one corner and Nadhir was looking at us because it was so weird to see us like that. I was pretty much glued to you at that time. You told me about your feelings and you kissed my forehead. Fifth of April, 2008. Since then, every single Friday.. we'd walk all the way from my tuition center to Coffee Bean. Since we broke up, I never went there because it was hard seeing the seats where it all happened but yesterday, I sat at that very place, alone. Letting of our memories for the last time.
You can call me pathetic for still doing this to myself, you can call me stupid. I did that all in the name of love and I'm not ashamed of it.
Remember the place when you told me you were scared of leaving to Penang because both of us were so afraid of the changes we might be facing? You cried that evening, with me. In front of me. I was shattered when you cried. I'd rather see myself crying than you.
I also went to the park where I did a surprise birthday for you. I came back for you. I knew if I pissed you off enough, you'd go to your friends and I told your friends to bring you to that park that had balloons and cupcakes.
You gave me so much memories, too much.
I don't say forever often but when I say it, I mean it.
I love you, forever. Always have and always will. You are definitely my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
Take care, babyboy.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Friday, December 03, 2010
And I am not scared.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Sometimes you wonder why it sucks to not forget the past.
Sometimes you think you moved on but the fact that it's still there.
and then you blame yourself.
There is nothing in there that you should blame.
Especially not yourself.
Babe knowing you all these years.
Even though we only know each other really real this year.
I saw in the past, how you've been trying so hard.
How you cope so hard trying to win everything, trying to console your heart and trying to not spill a tear.
Being weak in love is not a sin. Never a sin.
You believe in love. I know.
Just that you're too scared to get hurt.
But I can see that you're a really strong girl.
You're scared to love, but at least you are trying without yourself noticing.
No one, I repeat, no one can forget first love.
It's the first. How can you ever forget the first.
You always remember your first friends, first fall, first cartoon, first book,
and how can you ever forget first love.
Never punish yourself my dear for that first special thing.
Because from there, you learn so many things, you're stronger than before, you learn to not fall so hard and to wake up remembering everything and yet still smiling wide.
I am here to let you know.
I am not the great friend to give wisdom words or kick arse quotes of love.
I can only be a listener. and I am great at that *it kinda sucks i know* but I want to tell you this.
Never stop believing in love. It's a beautiful thing. For now, it might come and go.
One day. I promise.
One fine, no, great day. You'll fine this one love, the one love that will come and stay, forever.
For now, you hold on there.
and it's always okay to cry. Especially for love.
It does not show that you're weak.
But it means you're being too strong for too long.
Nad, you are the awesome girl I've ever met.
When I say awesome. I did not lie.
You can smile, despite everything.
You can cheer people up, when you're broken inside.
You know how to turn that frown to a smile when instead you want to cry.
Tell me, who can really do that?
I know only one.
And that's you.
So girl. You hold on tight and wait. and give the world a smile. Because we're here with you.
and for now. He's coming babe. One fine day, his steps will end to you. :)
p/s: and you can count on my ears for that :) -S-
- Girl met boy.
- Boy didn't notice.
- She worked hard to make him notice.
- He noticed.
- Girl screwed up.
- Boy confessed his love.
- They got together.
- Girl was in love.
- Boy loved the girl.
- Girl screwed up.
- Boy forgave her.
- They were happy.
- Girl screwed up.
- They broke up.
- Girl lied about moving on.
- He believed.
- Boy moved on.
- The girl never did.
December shall be good. I will make it good. I am gonna make the last month of this decade worth every single day because I am not gonna end 2010 with a frown or tears.
So I'm gonna try and make this entree fun.
Why don't you guys tell me
- anything about yourself
- any stories you feel like sharing
Monday, November 29, 2010
All I know right now, I've been stumbling upon old pictures, movie tickets, loveletters, notes and t-shirts. I was cleaning my room and I trembled, again and again.
The post below was written by my babygirl, Mysara Nasir and thanks to Amirah for posting one heck of a entree for me.
To wake up, checking your phone and see a morning wish, following by the three sacred words.
To have someone to listen when you're having a bad day.
To have the will to wake up and be happy.
To go out for lunch with someone special.
To have long giggling talks at night, before you go to sleep.
And I know too, every day you wish not to..
Think that what you wished don't count when he's not around.
Cry every night.
Think of him when you listen your songs.
Think of him when you see, listen the word "love".
And I guess the lists don't stop. It won't stop. Until you vow to yourself that you won't cry anymore. Love is a beautiful thing, even you have the chance to taste a glimpse of it. I'm glad he was the one to embrace you love.
As for the sick, painful part that you, us.. are helplessly ruined.. I know one day you'll find ways to cope the pain. I know you're strong enough. If he doesn't feel what you feel now, he will, eventually. Only if he loved you as much as you did.
Everybody makes mistakes. Not a single soul misses mistakes. Feel sorry for yourself, think of what you might have done to him. Maybe he's in pain too.
So chill. Don't beat yourself up.
If God answers your prayer, he is increasing your faith.If one day, you decide to come back. I'll be here. Like I've always been. I will stop trying not but I won't stop waiting.
If God delays, he is increasing your patience.
If He doesn't answer, He has something better for you
Sunday, November 28, 2010
At first, she said she was keeping it until I’ve found the right guy for me but she changed her mind until she saw how much I changed in two years. After my parents filed for divorce, my mum saw how I stopped believing in fairy tales and happy endings, I was eight back then.
Things only changed after I met this one boy. He completely turned my world upside down. Little did I know, I started to believe in love again. Everyone around me knew how hopelessly in love I was back then. Mum knew I was happy.
Happiness didn’t stay for long. Things started changing again. I slowly stopped believing in love and each day, it gets worse. Longing for that feeling, longing for that little butterflies. As I was losing him, I started losing myself, my belief and everything in between.
My mother said this,“I saw what love did and didn’t do to you. It hurt you in every possible way but he made you smile, even for awhile. He didn’t stay but he made his presence worthwhile. Don’t stop believing in love, adik. It’s a beautiful thing. I hope this ring will give you what it didn’t give to me, eternal love and happiness. I hope it will find you a way to start believing in love, again and also find your own term of forever.”
But I am just mad at you for destroying my belief.
I'm not mad at you when you called me and said you miss me,
But I am just mad at you when you disappear after that.
I'm not mad at you for keep on coming back in my dreams,
But I am just mad at you when you became my nightmare.
I'm not mad at you for loving me this much,
But I am just mad at you for leaving me; without thinking.
I'm not mad at you for leaving me behind,
But I am just mad at you for forgetting our past.
I'm not mad at you for leaving me astray,
But I am just mad at you for not being strong enough to stay.
I'm not mad at you for giving me the best memories,
But I am just mad at you when they are back to haunt me and not you.
I'm not mad at you for going missing right now,
But I am just mad at you for railing me back in.
I'm not mad at you for putting us to an end,
But I am just mad at you for giving this much pain when you're happy.
March 8th, 2010.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Growing up with a broken family made me the pessimist that I am now.
I watched how my family fell apart, how my mum and dad stopped loving each other in front of my eyes. Since then, I stopped believing in forever and love. The idea of being in love forever ever after never seemed appealing to me and I would avoid hearing wedding speeches just ‘cause in my heart, I knew love couldn’t last until forever. To me, it was always never.
But things changed after I met this one boy, he changed my perspective of love and passion.. I knew I was falling in love, and I fell fast and hard for him. I was seventeen when I had my taste of first love. For the first few months, we had a hard time and it was because of me.. the walls that I’d built to prevent myself from getting hurt was hurting him but after seeing his patience, the walls came crashing down and then it hit me, “Is this the forever and love that people were talking about?”. With him, everything was easy. He made things easy for me.
He wasn’t my first boyfriend but he was definitely my first love.
Not every story has its happy ending…
Things between us changed and after losing each other, I stopped believing in love and forever again. He has this huge impact in my life and he is this heartache that I can never be able to forget.
I don’t care how bad our fight ended but he made me believe in love, he made me believe that it exists eventhough it wasn’t long but still, having that priviledge of feeling butterflies in your tummy before going out with that one particular person is one of the most blissful feelings in the world.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I'm here to stay,
Through thick, through thin,
I swear the radio needs to stop playing I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat. I hate how the song makes me feel and I hate how the songs can change my mood from a happy butterfly to a bitter old woman. Wonderful isn't it? How a simple song can break/shatter you just when you thought you are strong enough to not look back.
Guys, timing is important. Never take things for granted.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
- Will try to lessen the amount of cursing.
- Stop buying t-shirts.
- Start saving up some money for new year.
- Stop torturing myself with useless thoughts.
- Make the most of it during the last few bits of this decade.
- Won't bake cookies at midnight.
- Won't sleep crying
Thursday, November 18, 2010
After a year of mourning, I have realized that lies that I forced myself to believe in. Of course it wasn't meant to be, who said anything was? I let my mind control everything without giving my heart a second chance. I was cruel to it because I didn't want to face the truth but I guess the truth is out and lying to myself will not make me happy anymore.
So, I cried and drown my sorrow in your presence. It was all I needed to make this pain go away, it was all I wanted all along. So, thank you for being there when it matters.
Here's to another beginning after a tragic ending, Nadira. Drink it up.
Here's to my nineteen years of being so scared to experience life
Here's to my nineteen years of trying too hard to be accepted.
Here's to my nineteen years of trusting too little.
Here's to my nineteen years of trying to please everyone.
Here's to my nineteen years of trying to believe that love exists.
Here's to my nineteen years of believe in lies.
and here's to the lies that life has thrown to us.