Monday, November 29, 2010

Another loveletter, boy.

I'm not sure with the signs that God's been giving to me.

All I know right now, I've been stumbling upon old pictures, movie tickets, loveletters, notes and t-shirts. I was cleaning my room and I trembled, again and again.

The post below was written by my babygirl, Mysara Nasir and thanks to Amirah for posting one heck of a entree for me.

Kill the pain, twice.

I know how it feels, when every day you wish..

To wake up, checking your phone and see a morning wish, following by the three sacred words.
To have someone to listen when you're having a bad day.
To have the will to wake up and be happy.
To go out for lunch with someone special.
To have long giggling talks at night, before you go to sleep.

And I know too, every day you wish not to..

Think that what you wished don't count when he's not around.
Cry every night.
Think of him when you listen your songs.
Think of him when you see, listen the word "love".

And I guess the lists don't stop. It won't stop. Until you vow to yourself that you won't cry anymore. Love is a beautiful thing, even you have the chance to taste a glimpse of it. I'm glad he was the one to embrace you love.

As for the sick, painful part that you, us.. are helplessly ruined.. I know one day you'll find ways to cope the pain. I know you're strong enough. If he doesn't feel what you feel now, he will, eventually. Only if he loved you as much as you did.

Everybody makes mistakes. Not a single soul misses mistakes. Feel sorry for yourself, think of what you might have done to him. Maybe he's in pain too.

So chill. Don't beat yourself up.

Love, M.

Little, little heart ache.

If God answers your prayer, he is increasing your faith.
If God delays, he is increasing your patience.
If He doesn't answer, He has something better for you
If one day, you decide to come back. I'll be here. Like I've always been. I will stop trying not but I won't stop waiting.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

it's a beautiful thing called love.

My mum just passed down her wedding ring to me. To me, it’s the most beautiful ring that I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

At first, she said she was keeping it until I’ve found the right guy for me but she changed her mind until she saw how much I changed in two years. After my parents filed for divorce, my mum saw how I stopped believing in fairy tales and happy endings, I was eight back then.

Things only changed after I met this one boy. He completely turned my world upside down. Little did I know, I started to believe in love again. Everyone around me knew how hopelessly in love I was back then. Mum knew I was happy.

Happiness didn’t stay for long. Things started changing again. I slowly stopped believing in love and each day, it gets worse. Longing for that feeling, longing for that little butterflies. As I was losing him, I started losing myself, my belief and everything in between.

My mother said this,

“I saw what love did and didn’t do to you. It hurt you in every possible way but he made you smile, even for awhile. He didn’t stay but he made his presence worthwhile. Don’t stop believing in love, adik. It’s a beautiful thing. I hope this ring will give you what it didn’t give to me, eternal love and happiness. I hope it will find you a way to start believing in love, again and also find your own term of forever.”

We've been switching arsenic with cyanide.

I am not mad at you for making me believe in love,
But I am just mad at you for destroying my belief.

I'm not mad at you when you called me and said you miss me,
But I am just mad at you when you disappear after that.

I'm not mad at you for keep on coming back in my dreams,
But I am just mad at you when you became my nightmare.

I'm not mad at you for loving me this much,
But I am just mad at you for leaving me; without thinking.

I'm not mad at you for leaving me behind,
But I am just mad at you for forgetting our past.

I'm not mad at you for leaving me astray,
But I am just mad at you for not being strong enough to stay.

I'm not mad at you for giving me the best memories,
But I am just mad at you when they are back to haunt me and not you.

I'm not mad at you for going missing right now,
But I am just mad at you for railing me back in.

I'm not mad at you for putting us to an end,
But I am just mad at you for giving this much pain when you're happy.

March 8th, 2010.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Guess who's back, back again.

What I love about Cameron Highlands.
  • It makes my hair look nice.
What I hate about Cameron Highlands.
  • It makes my hair look nice.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The broken arrow.

Growing up with a broken family made me the pessimist that I am now.

I watched how my family fell apart, how my mum and dad stopped loving each other in front of my eyes. Since then, I stopped believing in forever and love. The idea of being in love forever ever after never seemed appealing to me and I would avoid hearing wedding speeches just ‘cause in my heart, I knew love couldn’t last until forever. To me, it was always never.

But things changed after I met this one boy, he changed my perspective of love and passion.. I knew I was falling in love, and I fell fast and hard for him. I was seventeen when I had my taste of first love. For the first few months, we had a hard time and it was because of me.. the walls that I’d built to prevent myself from getting hurt was hurting him but after seeing his patience, the walls came crashing down and then it hit me, “Is this the forever and love that people were talking about?”. With him, everything was easy. He made things easy for me.

He wasn’t my first boyfriend but he was definitely my first love.

Not every story has its happy ending…

Things between us changed and after losing each other, I stopped believing in love and forever again. He has this huge impact in my life and he is this heartache that I can never be able to forget.

I don’t care how bad our fight ended but he made me believe in love, he made me believe that it exists eventhough it wasn’t long but still, having that priviledge of feeling butterflies in your tummy before going out with that one particular person is one of the most blissful feelings in the world.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My little heart defect.

"Come what may,
I'm here to stay,
Through thick, through thin,
Through forever"

I swear the radio needs to stop playing I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat. I hate how the song makes me feel and I hate how the songs can change my mood from a happy butterfly to a bitter old woman. Wonderful isn't it? How a simple song can break/shatter you just when you thought you are strong enough to not look back.


Guys, timing is important. Never take things for granted.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I solemnly swear that I

  • Will try to lessen the amount of cursing.
  • Stop buying t-shirts.
  • Start saving up some money for new year.
  • Stop torturing myself with useless thoughts.
  • Make the most of it during the last few bits of this decade.
  • Won't bake cookies at midnight.
  • Won't sleep crying
So here's to the remaining of this year.

You're a mess but you're my mess.

The best shoulder to cry on.
7PM; my miracle on a rainy Thursday evening.

I guess you never really left after all these years.

Here's to another chapter.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn't even know they existed.

7PM, Thursday, November 18th 2010.

After a year of mourning, I have realized that lies that I forced myself to believe in. Of course it wasn't meant to be, who said anything was? I let my mind control everything without giving my heart a second chance. I was cruel to it because I didn't want to face the truth but I guess the truth is out and lying to myself will not make me happy anymore.

So, I cried and drown my sorrow in your presence. It was all I needed to make this pain go away, it was all I wanted all along. So, thank you for being there when it matters.

Here's to another beginning after a tragic ending, Nadira. Drink it up.

Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them.

The emo monster has got me.

Here's to my nineteen years of being so scared to experience life
Here's to my nineteen years of trying too hard to be accepted.
Here's to my nineteen years of trusting too little.
Here's to my nineteen years of trying to please everyone.
Here's to my nineteen years of trying to believe that love exists.
Here's to my nineteen years of believe in lies.

and here's to the lies that life has thrown to us.