Friday, December 31, 2010

Another game!

You know the thing that people write on their statuses with numbers?

I was about to join the wagon but it'd be flooding the news feed. So you guys can write anything about me or anything that you wanna tell me, here!

I want my blog to have a nice ending, despite of whatever 2010's done to my previous blogs.

So yeaaah, send me comments! Anonymously or with name. Or just use a nickname that will remind me of you. Please give strong hints.

It's an order.

Okay, not really but pretty please with cherry on top? Okay, thanks guys. Happy New Year. Hihi.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What happens in 2010, stays in 2010.

2010 is wrapping up tomorrow! Finally.

I've had my share of ups and downs this year and I gotta say 2010 hasn't been easy on any of us. It's pretty much a tough year on any hearts, I assumed but I made the most of it this month so no regrets there. :)

Lost a few friends and gained some, it's all good because from there, I pretty much know who my real friends are and who just feed on my misery. I have learnt that whatever happens, don't let anyone get under your skin because you may end up with a wrecked up heart.

I haven't fully recovered from my past but I guess I'm getting there? I know I still post some unbearable emo posts on tumblr but that's just my way of dealing things. :)

I just wanna say I'm sorry to everyone for not being around that much this year.. This year I swear it was a living hell for my heart and soul and I can pretty much say I don't think I will remember this year that much but I will definitely remember the awesome people that I met this year and also the people I reconnected back.

I've also learned that you will never lose by loving but you will lose by holding back. 2011 is all about prioritizing my family and friends. I've neglected them too much just to heal myself.

To those who were there through my thick and thin, thank you so much. May 2011 brings all the love and luck that you want.

To those who tried to bring me down, thank you for making me a stronger person! <3

To you, re-read the letters. I am keeping my promise.

Have a good new year, readers!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Send comment with these colours.

red - i love you.

pink - i could stay on your blog for hours.

yellow - you’re amazing.

peach - i miss you.

blue - i want to get to know you.

purple - you’re hot.

brown - i would fuck you.

green - i would date you.

black - i hate you.

white - delete your blog.

Hypocrites, beware.

This is going to be a hate post.

When you enter uni, you will end up meeting people you will never forget or the people you will regret knowing. I've had my fair share of meeting these two categories of people and I swear the one I hate is the hypocrites.

You seriously wanna be nice all around me when behind my back, you've been spreading lies? You should know how pathetic that is, no.. How pathetic I was for listening to your stupid advices. The advice that was made by your screwed up insecurities. I do not know whats your deal of doing this to everyone that you know but you have to stop it because you are just ruining everyone.

I pretty much hated the people that I did not know because of you and I was stupid enough to play along with your childish games. My mistake, I actually listened to your lies and let it perish along with your insanity. Stop playing cupid with me, please. Thank you.

So this is just me, being retarded.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Boxing day!

Ahmad: I went to Bukit Bintang last week with my friends for Arab food there and then we met this group of kids wearing weird things.
Me: Uh, like what?
Ahmad: They are wearing these multi-colored headbands.. One whole group wear the same thing. Almost like a cunt.
Me: Cunt?!
Ahmad: Yes, group of religious people or something like that.
Me: Ahmad.. That's a cult, not cunt.


Bryant: So who are you supporting? Malaysia or Indonesia?
Me: What do you mean...
Yewjin: I know la you berbelah bagi, you don't know which country to support because you're half and half. JAWA!
Bryant: See, now the Indonesian girl is mad. The Malaysian is still okay lagi. You belah your body and then half go Indonesia punya side and other go to Malaysia's.
Me: I regret telling you guys ANYTHING!


Tarkessh: So who do you hang out with now?
Me: I am still very close to Ira, Zaahira and Mimi.
Ira: *interrupts* Always have and always be.

The sweetest thing, ever!

Saturday, December 25, 2010


I miss you. So, so much. Beyond words, beyond reasons. Beyond everything, I still miss you..

Monday, December 20, 2010

The life I always know.

I miss writing about you.

I know that eventually, I have to stop doing these things to me but I just do not know when to stop. It's sad isn't it when people think he/she is not the one for you but in your heart, you will always know the opposite. It's just you against your feelings now.


I just hate Monday blues and the weather today. It sucked my happiness like the dementors. I don't feel happy, at all today. I feel like poking people's eyeballs with my hair chopstick.

Oh well, class starts at two tomorrow. I'm gonna watch The Notebook and try to do some laundry to keep my mind off things.


Please recommend me any good songs, my playlist has too many heart-tormenting songs. I need new songs, please. Thank you.

And oh, I'm selling my Classical Guitar (Yamaha) for RM250. Price is negotiable, I think.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

When we're bored, we start playing 'We No Speak Americano'.
All because of Yazeen.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tick tock.

We're half way done with December, aren't we?

I can't wait for December to finish and I'll be welcoming 2011 with open arms. Gonna bid adieu to 2010 for being such a pain to everyone's hearts. Of course it's taught me to be strong but the immensity of pain that I had to go through to actually smile now made not giving a fuck attitude almost like a reflex to everything.

If I hadn't deleted my blog, you could see how many emo posts I've been writing this year but thank god it's all down the drain now. (okay, not really. i just set it on private and one of it was hacked)

Uhmm yeah.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Every girl has 3 guys in her life.The one she loves.The one she hates & the one she can't live without. In the end they're all the same guy.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead.

One thing I've learnt about life this year, happiness and sadness run parallel to each other, when one takes rest, the other tends to get stronger.

And you might be surprised when somewhere along the way, you might get close to the person you never thought you would. Never judge anyone without knowing them first because he/she might be the one you'd turn to when everything else fails. To get upset over petty things when I have an awesome backbone system is just such a waste of time. I shall not waste any precious moments anymore because December is all about waking up and get that taste of happiness that I've been longing for so long.

Gonna sleep now. I had a long day with the girls and mother. :)

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Little girl, don't cry.

The conversation that I had with my cousin today and I've translated it in English. *giggles*

Nasha: Kak La, are you still with the guy that lives in Penang?
Me: Oh, he just studied there and no, Nasha.
Nasha: Why?
Me: I guess when people grow up.. They grow apart too?
Nasha: That's sad.. I like seeing you with him. Saw the picture last year at your phone.
Me: Me too, sayang. Me too.
Nasha: Why don't you visit him the next time you come back to Kedah?
Me: It's complicated, Nasha.

And she's 10.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Dear almost lover..

I saw a picture of you holding flowers and a heart-shaped box.. Assuming it's for the girl. It doesn't hurt me to see that you've clearly moved on but it just hurt when you never did those things to me. I guess she means the world to you. Before this, I thought there's still hope for me, well, for us but after seeing those pictures, you guys deserve each other. I will let go, for good now. I'm going to accept the fact that you are no longer mine and the boy that I fell for almost three years ago is no longer there. I was stubborn to hold on to you for too long.

You told me that you still love me this August but then I found you started liking her during June/July. So, are you really that screwed up? At least when I told you that I still love you, I wasn't confused with my feelings but I guess you will always be the guy who loves to give mixed signals, makes me confuse as hell and just tell me after that that you've already moved on with someone else. So, thank you babyboy.

For as long as I can remember, I went against my fate. I made myself believe that we were meant for each other, I made myself believe that we'd walk down the aisle together. It's sad to see the person who I used to make my future plans with become my past. Baby, you meant the world to me and probably will always be.

This will be the last time I'm gonna write about you because writing about you makes me think about you so much more and I don't want to have you in my system anymore. You're just a part of my past that I just wanna let go right now. Right now, I'm gonna rejuvenate from all the shit that we put ourselves into because we.. no, I thought I had it all. I love you with every ounce of me but it's gonna be alright. Those feelings will be gone, just like the old you.

You will always be in my prayers and you will always be missed.

One more thing, if we ever meet again.. Don't you dare ask me if I've been missing you or not because you know I always do but I guess you ask everyone that. :)

with love,
your always and forever.

This smile is staying.

I can be happy too, sometimes.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

It's hard for me to say and even harder for me to live with,

But I'm glad that you found her. She makes you happy, she melts your heart and you deserve it. Even if I couldn't give it to you like you needed me, I'm happy for you. And it burns for me to say this.. But I hope she saves you, like I wanted to.


Hey there, I know things are not how it used to be but it's sad to see you not having that little spunk or that cheerful spirit in you. You used to say to me boys come and go and that's that. You can't do anything about it but your girls will always be there. Just believe that's true and move on. Live your life, have fun and when the time comes, the most sweetest and loving boy will appear in your life and hopefully never leave. If he leaves then you should know that it's just not meant to be. I know the first love is the hardest to forget. Believe me I know I went through the same thing but when it didn't work out what kept me going was having you and the girls by my side. One day it just hit me that if something is not meant to be, you can't fix it no matter how badly you want to. As for us, a lot of things happened after high school and I guess we're just not meant to be friends and I can't do anything about that. All I can say is sorry and if I believe in regrets, one thing I'll regret is losing you as a friend. One more thing, keep that chin up girly. You're stronger than anyone I know. Show it ;)

It's always been the cheerful you.

The first time I talked to you was about love. And was about dealing with break ups. And the last time I talked to you was about that too. I know we're not meant for each other just to talk about those stuffs. People always say life is complicated, but you are the one who are currently dealing with it. You can make your life simple. There's no such thing of 'The End Of My Life' except death. I know it's being hard for you these days. Try to wake up and make some reflections about yourself. Before this, you were previously known as someone loud, and someone cheerful. So bring me back the attitude, Nadira Aqilah Bajuri. Gimme that attitude. I know we're practically and physically very very very very far away. We're in different continents. But, it's not a problem or a stumbling block for you to show me that you are happy and enjoying your life, right? You have your family by your side, remember that. While I'm so far away from my family. You try to reflect yourself, bring back the sweet memories, and continue your life as usual. I know talk is cheap. Words can't describe our exact feelings. You'll be running out of faith to get someone out from your mind. Don't try and don't force, just let time pass by and you'll definitely come to the highest point, to the last point where you finally found what you've been waiting for, Nadira. Circle of friends might help with fun distractions right? Friends will always be there for you, that's why it's in circle! Not triangle, or square'll get limited to only three to four friends only. But circle of friends, comes from everywhere, reach them in any ways. I'm one of yours that are currently so-far-away Kilometres from you sayang. Past is past. Swallow it, and hunt for new happy episodes in coming! :)

I love you, Montana.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Screw this shit,

This is an open blog.

This blog is pretty much open if you guys feel like posting something for me.
Just write it in any posts that you want, I'll post it up. You can do it anonymously, if you want.
For the first few posts by my friends, thank you so very much. ♥

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Talking about the boy who owned our heart.


The nicest thing - Kate Nash


This would be the last time I write anything about you, here.

Yesterday, I went to all the places that we went when we were together.. Each and every places, I spent half an hour on each places. The memories just seeped in to me and my breathing started being heavy. I could feel the tears welling up..

I went to the tuition center first.. The place where I saw you with your cream shorts and light yellow t-shirt that I've always loved. I remember from a distance, I told my friend how hot you were, and since then, you never left my mind. I also remember I was being cocky by telling my friends that one day, you'll be mine. It was the place I used my stupid tricks to talk to you by exchanging The Simpsons DVD because I told you I've never watched it when I actually had the scripts memorized for watching it too many times.

I went to Craven after that.. the place where my friends and I would go when we skip tuition. I'd just randomly call you and ask you to join me and the first time you came.. You wore this green t-shirt that you gave me with your skinny blue jeans. You came with your friend, Aidid and then you sent me back. It was pretty much my Friday routine before we got together, to call you every Friday evening and ask to hang out.

KDE was my next stop... The place where you told me that you got your acceptance letter from a Uni in Penang. I wasn't happy even though you weren't mine at that time because you'd be far away from me. After I found out about that, I told Zaahira that I'm gonna give you my guitar pick necklace, so that you'd still remember me if things change. We would go there every Friday evening, and I remember this one video I recorded after throwing you shoes at the playground and I forced you to say that I'm cute. You wore your gray t-shirt.

Then, I went to Coffee Bean.. The place where you asked me to be yours and confessed your love for me. It was after my IU Day that I forced you to come.. I remember the day perfectly. We were sitting at this one corner and Nadhir was looking at us because it was so weird to see us like that. I was pretty much glued to you at that time. You told me about your feelings and you kissed my forehead. Fifth of April, 2008. Since then, every single Friday.. we'd walk all the way from my tuition center to Coffee Bean. Since we broke up, I never went there because it was hard seeing the seats where it all happened but yesterday, I sat at that very place, alone. Letting of our memories for the last time.

You can call me pathetic for still doing this to myself, you can call me stupid. I did that all in the name of love and I'm not ashamed of it.

Remember the place when you told me you were scared of leaving to Penang because both of us were so afraid of the changes we might be facing? You cried that evening, with me. In front of me. I was shattered when you cried. I'd rather see myself crying than you.

I also went to the park where I did a surprise birthday for you. I came back for you. I knew if I pissed you off enough, you'd go to your friends and I told your friends to bring you to that park that had balloons and cupcakes.

You gave me so much memories, too much.

I don't say forever often but when I say it, I mean it.

I love you, forever. Always have and always will. You are definitely my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

Take care, babyboy.

First love.

Your first love. You know who I’m talking about, because I bet you read the words, “first love,” and that one boy just came to mind. There’s nothing like that first boy you were afraid to love. That one boy you knew it was love, despite what others said. That one boy who changed your expectations and that one boy who you compare all the future boys with. Because deep down inside, you knew he was the one. The one who set the standards for love.

I know mine did.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Dear Love,

Dear Love,
It took me sixteen years to believe in you and I'm sorry I ever doubted you but I didn't mean to. I saw the things you did not do to my parents, it broke me. It turned me to the pessimist that I was. For sixteen years, I believed that love did not exist. I thought I'd never get to feel this fuzzy feeling after reading a wake up text from that certain someone, I thought I'd never be able to say 'I Love You' and really mean it. Your ability to make two people happy as one, fascinates me. You gave me amnesia, the kind where I forgot about all them other boys.

Of course you introduced me to your other friend named Pain.. He wasn't kind to my heart, he was never kind and will never be kind. I was mad at you at first because how could you let me be friends with him, he made me sad all the time whenever he was around but you taught me that I have to meet him in order to know what life really is.

Love, you didn't stay for long with me but I am still grateful that you walked in to my life. You made me believe again. Please, don't be sorry for all the sadness that I am going through because remember, you made me smile. You made me happy even though it wasn't for long but still, you gave me the best feeling in the world. You made me forget about the rest of the world, you brought the walls around my heart down. Remember, Love.. You are always the antidote of all the pain in the world.

I am just sorry I ever doubted your power.

I'll be kind to my heart.

The bed where you laid and shared everything with me.

And I never got my peace, ever again.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Another sequel of pain.

When I first started blogging, I only wanted to be famous. (True story) I was sixteen back then, please excuse my shallow minded sixteen year old self. I updated about my daily life and I put up facts too, not to forget about the silly crushes I had during my secondary school. Everything that I wrote was all in the name wanting to be famous, to get 3428932190 views per day. Like I said, I was sixteen.

Things changed after awhile.. I stopped updating about how my day went, I stopped posting up facts or anything in between.. I started writing about my feelings since I was (and still am) bad at showing it. This place became my personal space; I wrote almost everything in here. My feelings, my thoughts, the voices inside me, everything and the amount of comments that I got from being honest about myself seemed to be appalling. From there, you can see how thick their skulls can be.. People judged me from my posts. Just because my posts were heavy, they thought I was suicidal. Some loved how honest I was with my feelings and they said it should be something I can be proud of.

I just don't want to sugarcoat my life in here anymore because behind my smiles that you see from my pictures, I still want to know that I am experiencing pain. Just because I post something about my past, it doesn't make me weak. This place has pretty much taught me to not judge people based on what they write. Humans are like vultures. They take you down when you are at your lowest point and point out your mistakes, make yourself feel low and probably become suicidal after that.

For almost a year, I stopped blogging about my feelings.. I just stopped being honest and I wasn't happy about it because I was scared of these vultures judging me again but I guess those days are over because I am back. I am back with feelings and all.

And I am not scared.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

lover's spit.

I like staying up late until my eyes and my brain can’t handle it anymore. That way, when my head falls on the pillow, my brain is too exhausted to think about 'what could've been' and 'what if's'.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

That heart is made of steel

Sometimes you hate yourself for not being able to open up and love someone else.
Sometimes you wonder why it sucks to not forget the past.
Sometimes you think you moved on but the fact that it's still there.
and then you blame yourself.

There is nothing in there that you should blame.
Especially not yourself.

Babe knowing you all these years.
Even though we only know each other really real this year.
I saw in the past, how you've been trying so hard.
How you cope so hard trying to win everything, trying to console your heart and trying to not spill a tear.
Being weak in love is not a sin. Never a sin.
You believe in love. I know.
Just that you're too scared to get hurt.
But I can see that you're a really strong girl.
You're scared to love, but at least you are trying without yourself noticing.

No one, I repeat, no one can forget first love.
It's the first. How can you ever forget the first.
You always remember your first friends, first fall, first cartoon, first book,
and how can you ever forget first love.
Never punish yourself my dear for that first special thing.
Because from there, you learn so many things, you're stronger than before, you learn to not fall so hard and to wake up remembering everything and yet still smiling wide.

I am here to let you know.
I am not the great friend to give wisdom words or kick arse quotes of love.
I can only be a listener. and I am great at that *it kinda sucks i know* but I want to tell you this.
Never stop believing in love. It's a beautiful thing. For now, it might come and go.
One day. I promise.
One fine, no, great day. You'll fine this one love, the one love that will come and stay, forever.
For now, you hold on there.
and it's always okay to cry. Especially for love.
It does not show that you're weak.
But it means you're being too strong for too long.
Nad, you are the awesome girl I've ever met.
When I say awesome. I did not lie.
You can smile, despite everything.
You can cheer people up, when you're broken inside.
You know how to turn that frown to a smile when instead you want to cry.
Tell me, who can really do that?
I know only one.
And that's you.

So girl. You hold on tight and wait. and give the world a smile. Because we're here with you.
and for now. He's coming babe. One fine day, his steps will end to you. :)

p/s: and you can count on my ears for that :) -S-

Once upon a time...

  1. Girl met boy.
  2. Boy didn't notice.
  3. She worked hard to make him notice.
  4. He noticed.
  5. Girl screwed up.
  6. Boy confessed his love.
  7. They got together.
  8. Girl was in love.
  9. Boy loved the girl.
  10. Girl screwed up.
  11. Boy forgave her.
  12. They were happy.
  13. Girl screwed up.
  14. They broke up.
  15. Girl lied about moving on.
  16. He believed.
  17. Boy moved on.
  18. The girl never did.

Goodbye November

You have been nothing but a total b*tch to my heart.

December shall be good. I will make it good. I am gonna make the last month of this decade worth every single day because I am not gonna end 2010 with a frown or tears.

So I'm gonna try and make this entree fun.

Why don't you guys tell me
  • anything about yourself
  • any stories you feel like sharing
anonymously if you want, i don't mind :)