Tuesday, December 13, 2011

We found love in a hopeless place.

This how love starts..

He could be someone from your group of friends. He could also be some random guy you met. Or maybe he's your bestfriend's friend.

Then, the two of you would exchange glances or he will make you notice of his existence. From glances, it'd change to numbers. You start feeling all these butterflies whenever someone mentions his name. Or even a sight of him or even his name would make you jump like an Easter Bunny. From there, he'd try to steal your heart. He'd text you every now and then; ask how your day went or maybe ask what did you have for lunch. Anything. From numbers, the two of you would start exchanging stories. You start telling him your deep, dark secrets. Or anything you wouldn't tell anyone. He will show how much he concerns about you.

This is when you start falling for him.

At this point, you are already falling for him and his gestures. He would bring you to random dates. Time ni, kalau merajuk pun he will text so many times until you're okay. You don't need to ask if he's going to call you up tonight because you know he will. He would do anything to steal your heart, to make you his.

After few months...

This is how love ends..

Boys just stop doing those things.

Those late night calls, random texts just stop coming. He has someone else to talk about his random things to. He just stops caring. Your butterflies turn into flesh eating disease. At this point of time, your smile is just non-existent.

This is usually what happens to (almost) everyone. After they got us, their effort will eventually deteriorate. This is for the boys who do this to their girl. Treat them right, before it's too late.

Life 101

I really wonder why people suddenly change after they get what they wanted. One day they are sweet, the next day, they are not. One day they are there. The next day, they are not. One day you're important to them, the next day you are worthless. One day they say they love you, the next day they don't care about you.

That's how ironic things and people can be. Pretty shits, pretty lies, pretty fucked up. But it's still your choice. Cause you choose to get hurt when you choose to be in love.

The sad part? It's just true.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

First World Problem: My sweater is too big.


------

I was going through my 2008 playlist. God grief, no wonder I was so moody and sad back then.. The songs would push anyone off a cliff. Even the happiest people.

Anyways, writers block. Suggest me anything to write, please? Or just leave me any songs. My iTunes is collecting dust.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

The one that got away.

If Narcissus is still alive, he'd be proud of me. I'm his child. The amount of pictures that I took tonight actually repulsed me. At first my brother only has 9 pictures and then I took 60+ pictures. Not included the deleted ones. I have a weak spot for clear webcam with crazy effects. 

Warning: These photos might cause seizures or even epileptic effects. Don't say I didn't warn you.




Derby the duck





Don't I just look like those KPOP girls? Zzz


Thursday, December 01, 2011

December.

I was going through tumblr, like a true boss that I am. And suddenly, my dashboard was filled with 'Hello December, Goodbye November', 'December, please be good to me' posts. You know, the ones where people just welcome December and begs for it to be nice. As if the month actually affects or change the situation when the truth is, its just the people who make it better or worse.

Then it hit me, 11 months has passed and my resolutions (well, some of 'em) remain untouched. 20 years of my life, I honestly do not know if I have achieved something in life. Something big.

Friday, November 25, 2011

November rain.

Tonight, I can't seem to fathom my own feelings.

I just imagined myself; sitting by the beach at night, just looking at the breathtaking moon. How it shines the dark sea like it's holding its very own story. The breeze, the sound of the wave as it hits the shoreline while letting my hair dances with the wind. Such bliss.

I feel like curling up on my bed until I've fully understood what I'm feeling right now. It's like some sort of sadness that I can't figure it out why. The kind of sadness that seeps into your body without you noticing it until it has fully wrapped you up and the next minute, I just feel nothing. I feel cold.

No, I am forgotten. I am replaced.

Til then.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

You're so...

Finish the sentence in my comments.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Loveletter Part 1

I still remember the day I finally caved in; it was scary, it was beautiful how this one boy managed to break the walls that I built. His eyes always have its way of melting my insides, he always his own ways of keeping me coming back for more.

Someday, I know I will lose you. I do not know to what but one thing's for sure, I do not want to because even having that thought is just agonizing. I might lose you to fate, I might lose you to some cliché reasons but that does not give us any reason to back out now. Even now, we may fight over the most ludicrous things but I need you to know that it doesn't make me love you any less.

I don't know if it's different with you but it is with me. I guess it's always different with everyone but with you, things are just so effortlessly easy, like it's meant to be that way. You make things so easy for us and as for me, I will always be the one who doubts everything since I had few bad pasts that can last me a lifetime but you're always there to remind me that it's different this time.

You still give me the same butterflies. The one that makes me feel all giddy and heartsease every time I gaze upon that brown eyes of yours. When you always have this smirk on your face whenever I say or do something stupid. Remember the time where you caught me staring while you were driving? It was pure bliss.

I don't ever want to lose you. I might lose you in few weeks or months or even years time but I don't want to think about it. Being with you has been keeping me so alive. I want this feeling to stay, for as long as it could. For as long as we could last. Few years from now, maybe we would look at this differently but I want you to always remember me. I want you to always know that I'm yours to keep.

I just realized this would be my first love post since 2010.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Of the unrelated things and not focusing in class.

It's almost funny how things decided to turn out when I was just so close to the edge. I must have played my cards right or did something right to deserve this happiness. Or, I might be on god's lovely side.

Two months ago, I lost my interest in almost everything that I love. Everything was so bland. And I slept, a lot. I guess a short getaway from some people made me realize that some broken things are better left alone because fixing it will only hurt me. At the end of the day, I realized that you can't be a Samaritan to make everyone happy or please anyone because not everyone would do the things that you'd do for them. And not everyone cares if you're hurting. So, why bother really?

Make yourself happy. Sometimes, you have to put yourself above others. Not because of you're selfish, it's because you deserve to be happy too.

Just one question, why do we say it's a closure when you're still expecting a reply?

And, I can't focus during Artificial Intelligence. Good god.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Of fairy tales and prince charming

When I was a little girl, I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales, you meet prince charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales, the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape, so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that prince charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh and he has perfect hair.

- Taylor Swift

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Sunday, November 13, 2011

This is for the girls who keep on going back to their ex.

"Every girl has that one guy she always goes back to. Heartbreak after heartbreak and nobody knows why. Not even her."

This is for the girls who are going through it.

I know how it feels to go back and forth to this one guy, heartbreak after heartbreak. And 98% of the times, the guy is someone from your past. No matter how hard you try to not go back to him; at the end of your sleepless nights, you'd find yourself talking to him or even thinking about him. Even after a break up, you'd find yourself thinking about talking to him or even when it's bulletproof loneliness at best, he's the guy you'd turn to.

It's actually normal.

You'd end up reminiscing about the old things that you did with him; the stupid ones, the best ones. You'd end up crying over him, again and again. You'd end up having sleepless nights again. You'd end up hoping that things would go back to how it used to be. The worst part; you would end up falling in love with him, all over again.

And then, you'd start thinking that no one will ever be as good as him.

Babygirl, that's when you're wrong. You didn't end up with the boy for a reason. The only reason you always go to him during your troubled times is because he's your comfort zone. Not because you're still in love with him. Maybe you love him but you're not in love with him. And if you keep on comparing him with any guys you meet, you will never move on. You need to stop comparing and accept that everyone's different. You need to hold back when you have the sudden urge of contacting him. Learn to let go and set the boy free.

I've had my share of those moments and last year during this month, I almost hit rock bottom when I relapsed. I contacted the boy back and I was in daze for two months. I was thinking the 'what if's' and 'what couldve been'. I was comparing him with everyone and every question would lead me back to him. You can read all the posts in 2010. You can see how bad the situation was.

Remember, he's only your comfort zone. Set your past free and don't ever relapse. Talk to someone else instead of him. There are 7 billion people in the world, you shouldn't be stuck in your past when you deserve a better future.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

so your father told you once,
that you were his princess,
you won't see the castle,
you cannot find your prince,
now you've grown a lot,
your dresses don't fit right,
your daddy's not a hero,
he stole your chariot.

so here you are in pieces,
trying to prove to us it's real,
the softness of your smile,
and the lies you want to feel,
and the scales beneath your skin
are showing off today
there's evil in your heart,
it wants out to play.

there's evil in your heart, it wants out to play.
and I have made a home here for me,
you'll burn it down with your own fantasy.

Friday, November 04, 2011

Hide yourself.

Boy: Are you mad at me?
Me: No, more like disappointed in you.
Boy: Is it because I changed?
Me: Not exactly.. It's because you turned out to be the person you've sworn not to be.

I remember having this conversation.. I remember how everything came crashing down but then, I also remember the number of people that had this conversation with me. It wasn't once, not twice. More than I could even remember. At some point of time, people will let you down.

Then again, how many times have you let people down?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Everybody hurts, everybody screams.

We rarely learn from our first, second nor be it the third mistake. It always hits us when we're given the last, final chance. The one if we screws up one more time, there's just no loop hole for us to make things right anymore.

To even get another chance from another person after you make your first mistaken should (must) be a wake up call for you because some people just don't believe in second chance. Some would just walk out after you've wrecked your first chance. Not many people in this world has such grace to throw second chances at everyone, even anyone for that matter.

------

I know I'm going through one of my never-ending emo phase and to have people actually question why do I put myself in such misery is actually just another way of demoralizing me. Of course, I want to be happy but whenever happiness slides into my life, misery has its way of gliding with it too but like always, I try to make the most out of it.

This also applies to the people who always seem so upset about his/her past. Don't question, "Why are you still not over it, it's been so many years/months". Not everyone has the advantage of letting something go so fast. Some take more time to heal, some can just heal in a nick of time. I've been there, so I'd know.

------

I watched Dear John and I died crying at the end and thinking that it’s so upsetting how love is not enough to keep people together; how Savannah and John who loved each other so much were pulled apart by circumstances and perhaps, choice. But then, I guess that’s kind of the whole point. You don’t have to keep someone beside you to love them, I learned. Someone could be continents away, worlds away, even, but that wouldn’t and couldn’t keep you from loving them. Cheesy as it seems, it’s a comfort knowing that no matter how far apart, there’s always something to help keep a part of the other with you, I guess, and that’s what counts.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Theramblingmonsters

When I was sixteen, I stumbled upon this girl's blog. She was eighteen.

I fell in love with her blog instantly because how pure the writing was, how transparent she was when it comes to her feelings. When I read it, I couldn't imagine how she was feeling but hey, whatever she felt, it must be really hard for her.

Her blog made me start writing and little did I know, her writing influenced mine. I began writing but it wasn't as deep as hers because I was sixteen, love wasn't in my dictionary. But things changed when I turned 17. I was her religious reader and then I finally understood what she was going through. At first, I was sugarcoating everything but it stopped after I was keeping on reading her blog.

I remember there was this one time.. She set her blog on private and I sent her an email saying I was her avid reader. I asked to make it public again. (If you still remember this, please unremember it. LOL) And then, few years after that, I added her on Facebook. Few weeks after that, she told me how much she loves my blog and tumblr because it almost feels like home to her.

Since then, we became friends.

And now, here's the part two of our story.


P/S: Fiza, if you're reading this. Don't laugh. I was sixteen and your blog was my inspiration. HAHA.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

KL Vintage Fest



I'm flat ass broke.

By the way, my birthday is in exactly six months. Please start saving up your money for my charm bracelet. Every single time I go to a bazaar, I always end up with 4/5 new charms, or even with the bracelet itself. My new obsession isn't healthy. None of my 'No shopping' mantra is working for me. I need a new life.

Friday, October 21, 2011

My back has turned on you.

I think my classes just drained every ounce of my youth. I find myself before 12AM and I always wake up before 8AM. With quizzes, tests and assignments that have been piling up, my social life has decreased to 2 out of 10; well, it's never exactly on top of the social notch but hey, I had life before this. My weekend consists of downloading songs, pigging out, assignments, playing with cats, more assignments and spending time with my loved ones.

------

I wonder how the person who used to talk to you every single day can just throw you out of his/her life. It's like you never actually existed in their life. The saddest part is; they make it look so easy to walk in and out of your life.

I'm not exactly sad, just disappointed how things between us just decided to fall apart. But it's okay, I'm not the one who left. Take care, buddy. Just wish you knew how much I miss you.

------

Let's play another game.

Give me a song that has a hidden message for me. Or not so hidden or the song that you want me to listen. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

If I saw you in heaven.


Such a beautiful song.

Anyways, my first week (Yeah because I skipped the first week and I was down with a cold for 4 days) of class turned out pretty okay. Not exactly how I imagined it to be but it's pretty much drained every ounce of my energy that I had.

I bet some of you are moon-gazing with your loved ones. As for me, I was moon gazing with my mother. I guess everyone's 091011 turned out pretty memorable, eh?

If anyone can recommend me any good old songs, please do. I'm now stuck in Led Zep, Eric Clapton, Aerosmith and Santana mode at the moment.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Do you know the feeling you get when someone who promised to always be there for you is not always there for you?

No words can fathom how much I hate it when this kind of people asks me what's wrong when it's crystal clear that they are the problem. You know, the urge of slapping their face so hard? Because they get your hopes up, they make you expect so much things from them. When you talk to them, there are no words could explain how much you just hate it until you just ended up crying about it.

Wanna know what's worse?

You let this shit happen to you every single fucking time.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Te-te-terrific.

You saved me.

------

I swear, things just can't get any better than this. Or maybe it could. I'm not getting my hopes up but hey, at least I'm starting to have faith in myself. That doesn't happen quite often.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Practice what you preach.

When we were small, we were told to follow our heart. We were told to chase our dreams. As far as I can remember, we were told to be ourselves.

But what happened to that concept of life?

Following our heart now means getting it broken. Chasing our dreams has now turned to being forced to do things that we do not want and being ourselves? Let's just say the society has its way of fucking things up with the true meaning of beauty.

Right now, things are just so different. I am having trouble of coping with it and to be truly honest, what's the point of all these?

Monday, September 19, 2011

kmns :)

I remember how I dreaded the days I was in matrix; how much I loathe the place, the people but boy I was wrong. I met these two girls whom I (still) love, so much. No matter how far they are from me.

Izyana Ishak,

Mesti awak ingat kan malam-malam yang I forced you to teman me go to toilet at 3AM. Mesti muka yang sama kejut kau suruh teman and mesti muka yang sama juga yang nak tidur sekatil dengan awak kan. I bet you still remember those nights when I snuggled up to your bed with my teary eyes and also the day you had fever and I forced you to eat your medicine. Ingat tak waktu I first guna number Celcom, gila mengada kan nak text awak dengan Wani tiap masa. Padahal korang satu bilik dengan Nad. You thought me so much about life and when I told you about my mistakes, you didn't shun me. You accepted it and helped me to become a better person. You are so strong. Stronger than you will ever know. I love you for being there for me 98% of the time. :)

Farah Syazwani,

Dalam bilik, awak la paling garang.. Dan paling perasan but that doesn't stop us from being close. Kau dengan Yana la ajar aku cakap 'kau aku' sebab mula mula aku kekok gila kan nak cakap macam tu sampai la kau kata aku macam pondan. Haram. Aku hanya menjaga kesopanan okay. Every night mesti la kau pening dengan aku and Yana sebab kitaorang suka sepahkan katil kau yang kemas macam kem askar. Mesti kau ingatkan sesi kita menyorok water heater aku dan juga sesi aku mencarut sebab ketua disiplin ambil extension aku. Dan juga sesi kita tolak electric sebab ada kambing pergi trip-kan electric satu block. Dan kau juga penyebab bilik kita dapat award bilik paling bising kat matrix dulu. Tapi aku masih sayang kau, walaupun kau garang. Hehe.

These two taught me so much when it comes to friendship. I'm pretty sure you guys still remember the night we all slept together because it was our last day together there. I still miss the two of you, every single day. No matter how far or close we all are, you guys are always in my heart and loved by me.


Wani, Izyana dan 64 kg me. How lovely.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Here you go.

I'll put my day on hold for you.
You'd put me on hold for your day.
I would save the last dance for you.
But I'm the last person you'd want to dance with.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A rush to the start

  1. I miss you so much. We were so close back then and I screwed things up between us. I'm really sorry. I hope you know that this is for you. Remember our late night talks about life and the things that we've planned to achieve together? I guess both of us got what we both wanted but sadly, we're not even in talking terms to celebrate our emancipation from years of ruthless distressed. I'm sorry. Your rainbow monkey.
  2. I can't promise you anything but what I know is, no matter how far or near you are. You will always be the one I'd want to tell my stories to, the one I'd want to go on evening walks with. I will pillar you up when you need me to. We're going to be alright, with or without distance. Namnam 
  3. Sometimes I wish you'd stop treating me like a five year old. I'm big enough to make my own mistakes, to live my own dreams and I will always be your little girl. No matter how old I get.
  4. I find it hard to decode your thoughts sometimes because you always give me warningless cold treatments. Sometimes, I do not even know if you're proud of me or just mocking my existence. 
  5. You. Until now, I do not get why instead of talking to me or resolving our problems, you just decide to ignore me for no reason at all. We're not 5. We do not just stop talking and be friends later. If you're really my friend, you won't pull this kind of shit with me. It's not even close to cool. I just thought you were different.
  6. We do not exactly have the normal father-daughter relationship. If I don't contact you for days, you won't contact me for days. Or even weeks. But I want you to know that you are always in my heart and you are always loved by me. I know I don't say this often but I miss you. I really do. I will make you proud. 
  7. You really don't have to walk back into my life when you just waltzed out unannounced. 
  8. I miss a whole lot of all of you.
Try deciphering it. 

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Namnam

I know that someday, I'll lose you. I do not know when, I do not know how but the thought of losing you is just torturing. I cannot imagine to not having you to talk to because the silent treatment that I always give is just hard enough and not talking you for days will probably make me die a little. I will probably lose you to fate or even destiny. Or even worse, I will probably lose you to someone else but I do not care, I want you now.

With you, things are so different. But I guess all of us have these moments when they meet somebody new, they just say everything is just so different. I'm not lying; with you, things are just so easy. Effortlessly, you made me fall for you. You made me want you which sickens me. We didn't promise any solid base. At first, it was just for fun but little by little, you made me fall for you even more.

If you ever wonder whether I love you or not; think back of all the things I'd done for for you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't sit at the muddy rugby field just to watch you play. I wouldn't wait all day for your text. I wouldn't care if you get hurt after our heaty argument. I wouldn't write this. I'm not stupid, I won't go wasting time on people who I don't love. With you, it's just different. Don't you get that? It's been months, why are you still in such a confused state.

You've spoilt me in the most unimaginable way, ever. I was never like this with anyone. Every night, I always feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I can only pray for us because as you can see, I've been holding on to you on my dear life. I know what I want, I want you.

I know what I love, I love you. Honestly, I don't want to ever lose you.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Narcissus second child.

I pity my webcam, if it could speak it'd probably say..

"PLEASE STOP TAKING PICTURES"





Because in your eyes, I'd like to stay.

It's four fifteen AM now and all I could hear is the snoring sound that mum is currently making and also the pitter patter of the rain. The petrichor smell that the rain has brought in is calming me down. I should really hit the sack right now since I haven't fully recuperated from my lack of sleep but boy is being the wonderful that he is, it's hard for me to drag myself to bed.

Tomorrow, I will go for a walk to enjoy the lovely nature.

Okay, no. I need to shed a few KGs.

Finally finished reading The Lovely Bones.

------


On a much lighter note, I finally met 1/10 of the people that I used to hang out during my senior years at Awi's farewell. Poor boy is leaving tomorrow evening and no one could send him but I hope you had a blast just now.

Friday, August 26, 2011

In your eyes.

So many things that I wish I could write without having to sugarcoat anything but then again, everything will be questioned. Like every other thing that I've posted.

------

I like how at the beginning of a relationship, everything feels transient. Like nothing could bring you and your partner down.

How you get butterflies during phone calls, the perky feeling when you receive their texts. The little smile as you're typing that one text for them.

After awhile, those butterflies will turn into flesh eating disease.. The perky feeling you get will turn into some sort of unimaginable sadness and that little smile will be replaced with tears.

Not everything lasts forever.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Say hello to a very fickle minded child.

Can someone help me choose because I'm known to be a very fickle minded child.

Blackberry Curve 3G

or

New set of wardrobe

Oh to make it a bit confusing; I already have Blackberry Curve 2G (that has a screwed up keypad, always mati at inconsiderate timing). I know this is a very petty thing but I have to make decision by tomorrow afternoon.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper.

The strongest person is not the one who doesn't cry,
The weakest person is not always the one who always cries.

That's something everyone has to accept. Just because a person always cries, it doesn't indicate that the person is weak because ever since birth, it's a sign that you are alive. One thing you ought to know is, every person has different way of expressing their feelings. Some are really blunt about it while others, just bottle it up.

Those who bottle things up are mistaken for heartless; when deep down, they are just more vulnerable that you could ever imagine.

On a lighter note, someone just made me smile. :)


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Nadia Aqilah's Twenty Sixth.




Happy twenty-sixth birthday to my dearest sister,

You've been my solid rock, my backbone and my diary for the past 20 years of my life. We were enemies back then, I hated you, you hated my guts. I wanted to strangle your fat ol' self and you wanted to hang my annoying little butt but it's funny how things turned out after our parents got divorced. We felt this huge void between us and I'm glad it wasn't too late when both of us decided to patch things up.

There's not a day in my life that I'm not proud of you, akak. I am always proud of you and abang; I will always pray for the best as both of you are my life. My left leg.

Be happy because you know, you deserve it!

p/s: Your idiocity has always been my favorite trait. TEEHEE! And I'm sorry for the absurd pictures but that's just how we roll.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

  • my examination starts, tomorrow.
  • blackberry is as dysfunctional as the letter h in john.
  • i've been craving for some really nice dessert.
  • i miss bops, so much.
  • sometimes, i wonder what the hell was i thinking when i agreed to take this course.
  • i don't think i wanna go to rockaway concert anymore since deryck whibley is injured, they are cancelling all tours.
  • stress level has increased to the n-th degree.
  • to be honest, i hate everything right now.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

i know this is a week too late.

there are a lot of things that i love about the holy month of ramadhan.

it's how the muslims devote themselves to the responsibilities that has been written in five pillars of islam. it's beautiful.

and how everyone gathers for terawih and at that moment, you could see the faith that they have in their eyes. so pure. in that moment, you are no different than any other human beings. be it your wealth, your health or standards.. the only thing that separates you from everyone else is your imaan.

you wanna know what's the most beautiful part?

millions of people, fully devoting themselves,
for one and only reason,
Allah.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Jas Min & Nad Ira


I've known this girl for all my life; to see her pack her stuff just now was heartbreaking and I could never tell her how much I'll miss her. We've gone thru so many obstacles together, whether it was good or bad, her family had my family's back and vice versa and it's been like that since 1999. I know you will be more than fine there and I want you to know how much me and Aunty Normah will miss you, we will miss you dearly.

Good luck in Manchester, I will definitely visit you before I finish my degree! You are always loved by me, babygirl.

Double six.

Happy double six, bops.

I guess a proper letter will be in your hand, soon. <3

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Hi phantoms.

Tell me something I don't know, or something I should know. Or anything.

(I haven't seen Nero in sucha long time)

------

I feel so, demotivated.

Goodnight.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I'm 5' 6".

"I've been following my heart for too long, I should start listening to my head"

The weather fits my mood perfectly. There is some melancholy in the wind and rain tonight that somehow made me half glad that I overslept this evening. I was hoping to get a fleeting glimpse of sun today. I am supposed to be studying but I am on my bed, with laptop on my lap and my cats purring by my side.

------

I love how beautiful things are looking right now; as if nothing can make this contentment go away. It's like everywhere I go, the sun shines so bright. Every flower blooms and dances along with the grass. It feels like I just got my golden ticket to eternal happiness which worries me.

Because like people always say, every good thing must come to an end.


Saturday, July 23, 2011

I need

  • Mint green skinny jeans.
  • Washed blue jeans.
  • Fuchsia colored top.
If I come back today with everything that, I will sell all of my clothes. Anyways, I will be selling some of my clothes at minimum price...

The reasons why I'll be selling it are:-
  1. I got bored right after buying it.
  2. Trying to change my color palette.
  3. I DON'T FIT IN THOSE CLOTHES ANYMORE.
The clothes were either worn once/twice or never at all (attached with price tags).


Monday, July 18, 2011

you never meant to make me feel this way.

first and foremost, i know i will regret posting this but i need to vent it out here.

i know that you probably think that you know what's best for me but you ought to know that the life that you're deciding for belongs to me. have you noticed when it comes to my life, you never ask me what i want for myself? in lieu to that, you ask others what am i capable of. of course they'd give you the answer that you'd want to hear. don't you know that they are only sugarcoating the truth about me?

i know what i am capable of and what i am not capable of so, i know what i can and cannot do. my opinion matters. eventhough i'm much younger than you, you should know that what i think still matters.

you always believe the worst in me and it's really unfair when i don't get to prove myself that i'm better than that. i can see that you're never proud of me, most of the times. i'm sorry i'm not the person that you wanted me to be but please know how hard i tried to be that person and you saw how many times i failed.

there are times i wish i could just leave everything and disappear just to see how much my presence matters to you because from your reaction, you only show how much of a burden i am. lately, you can find me talking back when you say something and you wanna know why? i'm tired of admitting something that i did not do or something that you just throw accusations without checking your statement.

despite of all that, i love you with all my heart.

no matter what.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Such a beautiful lie to believe in.

Every time I hear someone laughing anywhere near me, I automatically think that they are laughing at me.

Isn't that a sad way to think?


c'est la vie.

it's a pretty cozy night for me; with hot cocoa on my reading table, in my favorite black sweater and good music.

it's safe to say that 2011 has been treating me so good and it sort of changed my perspective in life, whether it is good/bad. either way, i wouldn't be here. i made an oath earlier this year to not let anything break me, pretty unorthodox, i'd say but hey, at least i'm still living and not to mention that i'm happy. :)

i still remember my ceaseless amount of downfalls that i had last year and it wasn't a picturesque sight. the only part that i loved would be the amount of people who were there for me.

come to think of it, i'm quite proud of who i've become this year;

but there's one thing that i'd love to change though and it'd be the amount of people that i've pushed this year. the number ain't pretty but i'm making amends with those people, eventhough some of them completely turned me down. but hey, at least i know who can accept these flaws of mine that i would like to get rid of, please?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

lollipops turn into cigarettes. the innocent ones turn into sluts.
homework goes in the trash. mobile phones are being used in class.
detention becomes suspensions. soda becomes vodka.
bikes become cars. kisses turn into sex.
remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground?
when protection meant wearing a helmet?
when the worst things you could get from boys were cooties?
dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero.
your worst enemies were your siblings.
race issues were about who ran the fastest. war was only a card game.
and the only drug you knew was cough medicine.
when wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut.
the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?

and we couldn't wait to grow up.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

things i need to do


  • laundry
  • buy urbanscapes ticket
  • organize my closet
  • color my hair
  • go to tailor
  • stock up food
  • find ways to get world stage ticket
  • spend time with my girls
  • prepare for finals
funny how the most important thing is at the bottom of the list.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Dear hair


Dear hair,

There are so many things that I love about you; one of it would be you grow oh so fast and cutting you is not much a problem. Thank you for actually behaving.

I want you to stay healthy even though the amount of heat abuse that you've been putting through with me isn't going to make you recuperate easily but please, stay healthy because the split ends that you've been showing saddens me.

Even though there are times where I just curse at you for not behaving, blame the fringe.. Or the parting but you have to know how much I deeply love you.

Anyways, wouldn't it be nice for you to mutate to a different color or my original color because honestly, it's a tad too light for my skin. I know it's something that you can't naturally do but at least, try. In addition to that, please stay shiny and bouncy if you don't want me to abuse you with blow dryer and hair iron.

But yes, hair. I love you, I will never do anything that'd hurt you.

p/s: I've thrown away your worst enemy, the curling iron because I saw the split ends that you've been showing. That's the reason why I got a haircut, hair. I'm sorry.

Friday, July 01, 2011

Legit little July

I solemnly swear to myself that I won't write heavyhearted posts anymore because from what I remember, one of my new year's resolutions would be no more any of that nonsense. But hey, compared to last year.. I think I did a pretty okay job. (Yeap, I did highlight the 'TRY' part) Last year, mummy called me emo-bear.

It's July.

I can't believe that I am done with half of 2011. Come to think of it.. This year is not as exciting as last year but truthfully, on my love life.. I can say that I'm finally playing my cards right ;) Let's just hope things stay this way for as long as it can.

------

Tonight, I will be on a heavy dose of 90's music.

and I just realized that my wardrobe consists of black, white, gray, blue.. Therefore, shopping spree this weekend. (Guna lah excuse macam tu untuk sedapkan hati)

Didn't work.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The stars, the moon.

She's crying out for help.

To tell you the honest truth, she's not crying loud enough to be heard.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Redirecting sounds sooo convenient right now. ;)

If you don't get any updates anymore, it means I already have some place else to rant.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Wooopsie.

i miss our monday night.

the night that we sealed the deal; and that was also the night i was sure about my feelings for you. i knew about the butterflies that you gave but i was never sure if it was just me who felt it or if it was mutual.

i thought after my break, we won't be close. i thought we'd drift apart and just be strangers.

but we didn't. :)

i can't promise you any consistency between us, no one can but what i know is, these little butterflies that you've been giving since day 1 are staying. i don't know or how long but whatever it is, i just love the feelings that you give. all mushed up inside. you effortlessly swept me off my feet, with that cute smirk of yours. i wish i could see you everyday but hey, i'm not going to complain. i know you're trying your best.

and it's ironic how you're not scared of things not and how scared i am with everything.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Running against the wind.

I hate how the weather made me feel so sluggish.

And yet, it made me feel like laying on the ground and just look at how the clouds glide through the sky; not giving the sun any chance to shine. This, just reminded me of the innocence we once all had. Being carefree, spontaneous and alive. I just feel so... dead, these days.. It's like there's a monster in me, feeding my happiness with misery like vultures.

On a lighter note, I know how unlawful it is to download songs but I just downloaded a bunch of old songs that pretty much fit my mood.

So off I go to my parfait escape.

Goodnight, lost souls.

(Oh, please recommend me any good 'ol songs. My iTunes is beginning to rust)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Monday night.

I don't want a serious relationship; i'm a teenager, i want someone who i can act like a complete dickhead around, that can spend hours just talking about the pointless things. i want someone who makes me laugh and who i can plan stupid things with that'll never happen because i'm sick of seeing these movies with the girl falling in love with the perfect boy. who wants perfect? i want adventure. i want someone i can tell my secrets too and waste my weekend with and act like we're 5 years old again. i wanna have fun.

and i'm grateful that i got that person. :)

even when your phone always dies at such inconsiderate hours..

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Summer haze.

You think you know who your true friends are?
Wait til high school and see who is there for you when your ex-boyfriend spreads rumors about you.

Think you'll never do drugs?
Wait til its right in front of you and all of your "friends" are doing it.

Think you're tough?
Wait til you say the wrong thing to the wrong person. See who backs down first.

Think you're smart?
Wait til you have an English paper, science project, history test and a 10-minute oral due tomorrow cause you were absent for a day.

Think you're cool?
Wait til you're the only one who doesn't make the sports team.

You think you're popular?
Wait til you make one mistake and everyone loses respect for you.

Think you'll never fall in love?
Wait til a guy looks deeply into your eyes and says he loves you.

Think you'll never get your heartbroken?
Wait til the same guy is holding another girl behind your back.

Think you won't have sex?
Wait til the guy you think you love says it will make you closer.

Think "Nothing's gonna happen to you"?
Yeah, wait til you're sitting in a jail cell, wondering how you got caught.

Think you're gonna be an individual?
Well, wait til one morning when you look in the mirror and you look like
everyone else.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Lesson #01

Never put your guard down.
You might think you're important to someone..


Well, you're not.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

The truth is...

You're not scared of the dark,
you're scared of what's in it.

You're not afraid of heights,
you're afraid of pain of falling.

You're not afraid of people around you,
you're just afraid of rejection.

You're not afraid to love,
you're just afraid of not being loved back.

and you're not afraid to try again,
you're just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Pretty little thing.

This is to the girls who think that they are not pretty enough, skinny enough, fat enough, smart enough, tough enough.

You are enough.

In fact, you are more than that.

The next time you feel guilty at eating a piece of chocolate, swallow the whole bar. You're young, enjoy life. Don't miss out on so many things just because of some labels that the media has created to make us not appreciate our own self.

If you don't appreciate yourself, then who will :)

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Ten unworthy facts.

  1. My hair isn't long enough.
  2. I love cats, way too much.
  3. My sleeping pattern is fucked up.
  4. I have no interest in fast cars and bikes. Honestly, I don't care about cars. Unless if it doesn't bring me to great place to eat.
  5. I am too attached to my blackberry.
  6. I am very fickle minded.
  7. I love food.
  8. I am obsessed with food.
  9. My friends consist of 70% guys and 25% girls.. There rest of it can't really decide their gender.
  10. Oh, have I mentioned to you how in love I am with food? If I could make a relationship with food, I would.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

the feelings you get when the person you like is around you..

is sort of lovely

Thursday, May 26, 2011

and she was gone.

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn’t have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held…

And then she was gone.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Little cats.

I am tired of writing about moving on, break ups and everything in between.

I don't know how my stories inspire some of you but I can't write about those things anymore without feeling destroyed.

Meow?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

How to get over someone.

  1. Take a piece of paper and a pen.
  2. Write at the top of the paper, 'What do I hate about ______'
  3. List out the things that you hate about that person.
  4. Once you're done, keep it in a box.
If you suddenly feel like you miss him, take out that piece of paper (or pieces, if you ask me) and read them.

You know what they say about cherish the moments?

Well yes, screw that.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

so i stayed in the darkness with you.

I don't understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night.

How pictures never change but the people in them do.

How your best friend can become your worst enemy or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend.

How forever turns into a short months that you'd do almost anything to get it back.

How you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without.

How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same.

How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare.

How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken.

How people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

2007.

This has got to be one of the sweetest thing, ever.

Monday, May 02, 2011

What happened in April...










April was crazy amazing.
I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life.