Friday, September 30, 2011

Do you know the feeling you get when someone who promised to always be there for you is not always there for you?

No words can fathom how much I hate it when this kind of people asks me what's wrong when it's crystal clear that they are the problem. You know, the urge of slapping their face so hard? Because they get your hopes up, they make you expect so much things from them. When you talk to them, there are no words could explain how much you just hate it until you just ended up crying about it.

Wanna know what's worse?

You let this shit happen to you every single fucking time.

Monday, September 26, 2011


You saved me.


I swear, things just can't get any better than this. Or maybe it could. I'm not getting my hopes up but hey, at least I'm starting to have faith in myself. That doesn't happen quite often.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Practice what you preach.

When we were small, we were told to follow our heart. We were told to chase our dreams. As far as I can remember, we were told to be ourselves.

But what happened to that concept of life?

Following our heart now means getting it broken. Chasing our dreams has now turned to being forced to do things that we do not want and being ourselves? Let's just say the society has its way of fucking things up with the true meaning of beauty.

Right now, things are just so different. I am having trouble of coping with it and to be truly honest, what's the point of all these?

Monday, September 19, 2011

kmns :)

I remember how I dreaded the days I was in matrix; how much I loathe the place, the people but boy I was wrong. I met these two girls whom I (still) love, so much. No matter how far they are from me.

Izyana Ishak,

Mesti awak ingat kan malam-malam yang I forced you to teman me go to toilet at 3AM. Mesti muka yang sama kejut kau suruh teman and mesti muka yang sama juga yang nak tidur sekatil dengan awak kan. I bet you still remember those nights when I snuggled up to your bed with my teary eyes and also the day you had fever and I forced you to eat your medicine. Ingat tak waktu I first guna number Celcom, gila mengada kan nak text awak dengan Wani tiap masa. Padahal korang satu bilik dengan Nad. You thought me so much about life and when I told you about my mistakes, you didn't shun me. You accepted it and helped me to become a better person. You are so strong. Stronger than you will ever know. I love you for being there for me 98% of the time. :)

Farah Syazwani,

Dalam bilik, awak la paling garang.. Dan paling perasan but that doesn't stop us from being close. Kau dengan Yana la ajar aku cakap 'kau aku' sebab mula mula aku kekok gila kan nak cakap macam tu sampai la kau kata aku macam pondan. Haram. Aku hanya menjaga kesopanan okay. Every night mesti la kau pening dengan aku and Yana sebab kitaorang suka sepahkan katil kau yang kemas macam kem askar. Mesti kau ingatkan sesi kita menyorok water heater aku dan juga sesi aku mencarut sebab ketua disiplin ambil extension aku. Dan juga sesi kita tolak electric sebab ada kambing pergi trip-kan electric satu block. Dan kau juga penyebab bilik kita dapat award bilik paling bising kat matrix dulu. Tapi aku masih sayang kau, walaupun kau garang. Hehe.

These two taught me so much when it comes to friendship. I'm pretty sure you guys still remember the night we all slept together because it was our last day together there. I still miss the two of you, every single day. No matter how far or close we all are, you guys are always in my heart and loved by me.

Wani, Izyana dan 64 kg me. How lovely.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Here you go.

I'll put my day on hold for you.
You'd put me on hold for your day.
I would save the last dance for you.
But I'm the last person you'd want to dance with.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A rush to the start

  1. I miss you so much. We were so close back then and I screwed things up between us. I'm really sorry. I hope you know that this is for you. Remember our late night talks about life and the things that we've planned to achieve together? I guess both of us got what we both wanted but sadly, we're not even in talking terms to celebrate our emancipation from years of ruthless distressed. I'm sorry. Your rainbow monkey.
  2. I can't promise you anything but what I know is, no matter how far or near you are. You will always be the one I'd want to tell my stories to, the one I'd want to go on evening walks with. I will pillar you up when you need me to. We're going to be alright, with or without distance. Namnam 
  3. Sometimes I wish you'd stop treating me like a five year old. I'm big enough to make my own mistakes, to live my own dreams and I will always be your little girl. No matter how old I get.
  4. I find it hard to decode your thoughts sometimes because you always give me warningless cold treatments. Sometimes, I do not even know if you're proud of me or just mocking my existence. 
  5. You. Until now, I do not get why instead of talking to me or resolving our problems, you just decide to ignore me for no reason at all. We're not 5. We do not just stop talking and be friends later. If you're really my friend, you won't pull this kind of shit with me. It's not even close to cool. I just thought you were different.
  6. We do not exactly have the normal father-daughter relationship. If I don't contact you for days, you won't contact me for days. Or even weeks. But I want you to know that you are always in my heart and you are always loved by me. I know I don't say this often but I miss you. I really do. I will make you proud. 
  7. You really don't have to walk back into my life when you just waltzed out unannounced. 
  8. I miss a whole lot of all of you.
Try deciphering it. 

Wednesday, September 07, 2011


I know that someday, I'll lose you. I do not know when, I do not know how but the thought of losing you is just torturing. I cannot imagine to not having you to talk to because the silent treatment that I always give is just hard enough and not talking you for days will probably make me die a little. I will probably lose you to fate or even destiny. Or even worse, I will probably lose you to someone else but I do not care, I want you now.

With you, things are so different. But I guess all of us have these moments when they meet somebody new, they just say everything is just so different. I'm not lying; with you, things are just so easy. Effortlessly, you made me fall for you. You made me want you which sickens me. We didn't promise any solid base. At first, it was just for fun but little by little, you made me fall for you even more.

If you ever wonder whether I love you or not; think back of all the things I'd done for for you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't sit at the muddy rugby field just to watch you play. I wouldn't wait all day for your text. I wouldn't care if you get hurt after our heaty argument. I wouldn't write this. I'm not stupid, I won't go wasting time on people who I don't love. With you, it's just different. Don't you get that? It's been months, why are you still in such a confused state.

You've spoilt me in the most unimaginable way, ever. I was never like this with anyone. Every night, I always feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I can only pray for us because as you can see, I've been holding on to you on my dear life. I know what I want, I want you.

I know what I love, I love you. Honestly, I don't want to ever lose you.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Narcissus second child.

I pity my webcam, if it could speak it'd probably say..


Because in your eyes, I'd like to stay.

It's four fifteen AM now and all I could hear is the snoring sound that mum is currently making and also the pitter patter of the rain. The petrichor smell that the rain has brought in is calming me down. I should really hit the sack right now since I haven't fully recuperated from my lack of sleep but boy is being the wonderful that he is, it's hard for me to drag myself to bed.

Tomorrow, I will go for a walk to enjoy the lovely nature.

Okay, no. I need to shed a few KGs.

Finally finished reading The Lovely Bones.


On a much lighter note, I finally met 1/10 of the people that I used to hang out during my senior years at Awi's farewell. Poor boy is leaving tomorrow evening and no one could send him but I hope you had a blast just now.